It's Almost Time For...

...camping and the Bar!

I look forward to the camping part. Not so much for the test.

I miss the fun in my life. Life isn't fun right now. I sat through a Corporations review yesterday, which at first I thought "Oh, I like corps. This will be at least not that painful."

Well, it was. Turns out I forgot a lot of it. I woke up this morning with at least a half of a clue about 10b-5 violations and 16b short swing sales. But honestly, I'm not sure "half a clue" is sufficient.

I also woke up this morning at 6am due to a nightmare: I was late for an afternoon session of testing, the kids would not load up in the car, Ryan kept telling me to calm down, and I was sobbing because then I knew I HAD to take it again since I missed an entire section.

Ha ha...at least now my subconscious feels like I have a fighting chance, unless I just don't show up. Then even it knows the truth.

I would love to write about something funny or entertaining that has happened, but the truth is, NOTHING funny is going on. I'm a total bore. Life is a bore. I sit in my little cubby of an office with my earphones in, listening to the finer points of the law, trying not check on social media, ignoring my children and house completely. I pretty much hate it.

And yet, I'm not sure what I would do if I didn't have to do it. I would probably be complaining about how bored I was. My house would be cleaner for sure, but my mind would be hurting for other reasons all together. It's a real thing, and I think I need to fix myself.

Oh well. Sometimes your own worst enemy is yourself. That is true in my case. I love myself the least of all the people I know. I am wholly aware of my flaws and my neurosis. I don't even know if that is the right word, or if I even spelled that right. Brain is fried.

PS- I ate the trail mix out of my hike lunch already. I'm supposed to eat it Wednesday while I'm hiking, but I got the munchies yesterday and trial mix is my favorite food besides pizza. I lost control and ate it all.

August 01 seems like a great day to start working out. This flabby body is going to need it!

Feelings

I constantly have a song in my head...or bits and pieces of one, and this is the song for today. I'm changing the words a little, but I LOVE IT. It's so dramatic, it's funny. I think I may have enjoyed lip syncing this bad boy in the back of my mom's brown diesel Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme in the early 1980's. 

I read an interesting blog post about how Facebook and social media in general has created this expectation that everyone's post is an indication of their general well being. This expectation is not giving us the leeway to be authentic because we are judging people based on one slice of time. So, if I post something funny, I must be enjoying life. If I post something thoughtful, I must be feeling pensive and maybe things are not okay. And if I post something outright negative, the assumption is that I must be spiraling towards depression, or I'm a Negative Nelly, and no one wants to hear about that stuff anyways.

Being a secret philosopher (I like to call myself a "philosophizer" because I hate the idea of philosophy, but I do love to think about "what ifs" and "whys"), I have been pondering this post, this idea that we as people tend to capture moments in a snapshot of time, a small slice of time, and then base our ideas and impressions off those slices of time. 

People feel a whole range of emotions, all the time. I just don't think we are very good at accepting that fact. We want people to be happy. I like to be happy. But sometimes, we feel other things. It can make us look weak, or befuddled, or even a bit crazy. 

I could write a whole lot more on this subject, but I have to refrain. I have other things to do at the moment. I needed to get this song and these thoughts out of my head so I can concentrate on the finer points of the Federal Rules of Evidence and the contrast between the CA Rules of Evidence, which I hate, by the way. I am FEELING a whole host of emotions, have for the last six months, and probably will for another year.

The most important feeling for me is the feeling of peace. I love the feeling of fun and laughter, that is my favorite. But the underlying feeling of peace is much more reliable and long lasting. I have that feeling of peace. I broke through some inner turmoil, and I have peace. I have accepted my fate, if you will, and I actually feel pretty good about it. 

Now if I could just convince everyone who is so sure of my success that they need to chill the heck out because they don't know that instead of studying I write random blog posts and read Facebook, or even better, update my Hay Day Farm!

Now, back to it. For while I have accepted what is to come in a very much zen-like fashion, I'm not a quitter. I'm not going to sabotage my efforts. Because quitting now won't help me much this next February. 

I am seriously a one track mind right now. I hate it. Oh, well! Life is good nonetheless. Keep on truckin'!

What Was I Thinking?

I am taking a break from studying again. I am no longer anywhere near having a nervous breakdown anymore. Yipee!!! 

Those emotions are under control.

Probably because I've hit the point where it has been confirmed to me that there is NO WAY I can possibly pass the bar the first time. I didn't give myself enough time. 7 weeks is just not enough time to review four years of material. As much as I dread the thought of studying again, I'm kind of thinking taking it again in February will be a good thing, as I can study while the kids are in school, and take my time to master it all.

I am stuck in "Can't see the forest for the trees" mode right now, focusing on all these danged trees that I am supposed to remember in order to master the forest for three days. Rationally, I know that this test is not indicative of what kind of attorney I will be. None. Really bad attorneys have passed it, great ones have had to repeat it once or twice...I get that. Rationally. 

But emotionally, I might as well set my legal forest on fire because this whole process is killing me. Not really, but holy cow...I really hate studying under these conditions. First, there is the studying. I don't do homework well. Ha ha. Second, there is the fact that I am basically ignoring my kids for hours at a time, and I hate that. Third, the "What if I truly can't get my brain to remember all this stuff?" What then? What do I do then? I am putting the cart before the horse here, but I am the person who has one, five, and ten year plans all the time. I'll need to adjust my plans and try not to think about the waste of time and money the last four years has been. That will be depressing, a bit. I'll have to work extra hard on finding the good in that.

But I shouldn't lose hope. Or faith. I am really relying on blessings here. I hope my own doubts don't dilute my faith.

I still don't know what I was thinking. At least I'm not an anxiety ridden fool anymore. Now I'm just a fool. ;)

EDIT: It has been a whole three hours since I wrote the above. I have a new plan, a Plan B and Plan C, if you will. And that, my friends, is a wonderful thing. I can officially relax. I'm going to keep going, but I am going to relax. Nothing like a drive through the countryside to clear the ol' noggin a bit. Panic averted!

1) I have everything I need, and most of what I want.
2) It is okay to put "BIG DREAMS" on hold for sixth months. When I'm 70, it won't make a wit of difference.
3) I will likely write another book. Not sure if it'll be the same market...I have two ideas and each is very different.
4) I will clean my house. Hoo-rah!
5) I will study again...no biggie. Lots of time. It'll be more fun and less stressful.
6) I will send a copy of Trailer Life to Ellen and maybe she will read it and love it. Hahaha! (This one cracks me up. That would be so surreal...and so unlikely. But hey...dreaming over here. Never know until you try. I'm all about that.)

The Tick Incident

Today something happened that will forever be known as "The Tick Incident." Right now, as the kids are getting ready for bed, they are talking about praying about not having nightmares about ticks.

It all started innocently enough. We had two Cub Scouts who needed to hike at least a mile and observe nature. We all went on this hike with our scouts. It was only a mile, and we were headed to the "big city" afterwards so we could do things exciting things like get the oil changed in the car and buy groceries.

We hiked. It was more like a leisurely stroll. It was overcast and muggy, having rained last night. We stayed on the trail,but there was a lot of green vegetation and grasses in the area. We've been having a fair amount of rain for our area all summer, and things are greening up again. Both boys and I were wearing shorts on the hike. My girls were smarter: they wore pants. We talked about ticks a bit on the hike, and how Jessie had one crawling on the back of her neck once a few years ago from walking around this same area.

After the hike, we loaded up into the car and headed down the mountain. About 20 minutes later, Kacy said, "We didn't do our tick check." I think a tick check sounds like a good idea, and I kid you not, right after Kacy said we should have a tick check, Will, who is in the front seat, points to something on his sock and says, "Mom, what is that?"

It was a tick.

We pulled over at the first turnout we came to and we checked ourselves. We all had ticks in our shoes, between our shoes and socks. I myself had two in my right shoe. We flick them off, and I check everyone's armpits, necks, and back of the knees. I tell the kids to check between their toes. 

We look good, so we load back up in the car.  See this picture? The one of NOT MY MAZDA but my new to me 9 year old car that I LOVE? Oh, and the girls, with Kacy brushing a tick off her sock and Jessie running away with a smile on her face?

Study it, and then reference back, because this was the first stop. This was the stop where we were slightly creeped out by the ticks in our shoes, but we felt like we handled it. Take THAT, ticks!

It fell apart about 200 yards later.

Not two minutes after continuing our journey, I hear a blood curdling scream emanate from Jessie's mouth. She looks like she is going to break the bonds of her seat belt from trying to get away from herself. "PULL OVER! MOM!!!! MOM!!! PULL OVER NOW! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" 

There was a tick crawling up the outside of her shirt.

Kacy freaks out. Kacy's kryptonite is small insects crawling on her. She flips. Total panic mode.

I yell to the back that I can't pull over, I have to wait until the next turn out. I tell Ed to smash it for her, but Jessie is totally losing it. She is hitting herself, crying, and trying to rip her shirt off of her body. Ed very calmly says, "I don't want to touch it." I hand him a full water bottle and tell him to use that. Anything to get her calmed. Will looks at me like I'm crazy and says as much. 

We only had to wait about two minutes for the next safe turn out. As soon as the car is in park, the girls flee the car. Reference above, except maybe picture a crying tangle of flailing arms and girls jumping up and down. 

I grab Jessie and using my bossy voice I tell her to hold still and calm down so I can look for it on her shirt. I can't see it on the front, and Kacy lifts Jessie's shirt up a bit in the back. The tick is crawling on Jessie's back, and Kacy FREAKS OUT.

I can't even describe how Kacy lost control of her usually calm and cool demeanor. In her best "The house is on fire" voice, she shouted, "Oh my gosh Jessie it's on your back!" (so fast!) and then dropped Jessie's shirt and stepped away. Even I was alarmed.

Jessie promptly screamed for a full two seconds at the top of her lungs (think "murderer with a knife just killed my mom and is coming after me next" kind of scream). Then she threw herself on the ground. 

What is a mom to do? I'm no fan of creepy crawlies, but... really? Really, girls??? What is this?

(It was all my fault, really. I didn't spray them with repellent. Before we did the tick check I told them that ticks are like spiders because of their 8 legs. I told them about Lyme disease. I told them how they suck blood. Too much fresh information about blood sucking spider cousins that can give you a disease, perhaps?)

I made the girls take their shirts off and I examined their bodies and their shirts. I got the tick out of Jessie's shirt. I got a tick out of Kacy's shirt. The boys were clear. The boys were also calm, and hanging out in the car the entire time the girls were running small circles and screaming in the dirt turn out. 

After this, the girls did NOT want to get back in the car. After I told them they had to, they then refused to put their shoes and socks back on.  All 4 kids rode down the mountain with their feet up on the seat. We all kept randomly scratching our bodies. Ed did what any other enterprising brother would do and kept trying to tickle Jessie lightly on the arm to get her to think a tick was crawling on her.

We did the only thing I could think of. We headed to the big city, ditched our itinerary, and we went to Walmart. We bought the following: three packs of underwear, four new shorts, one skirt, five shirts, five pairs of flip flops, tick repellent for carpets and tents, and flea and tick shampoo. Then we headed to my parent's house, and my mom let us use her bathrooms. We shampooed ourselves with the flea and tick shampoo. We quarantined our hike clothes in a garbage bag. Those clothes are now sitting in my bathtub, soaking in some flea and tick shampoo.

In case you are wondering, I wouldn't put in in my eyeballs or on super sensitive skin, but the doggy shampoo worked just fine and made us all feel better. Even made my head tingle a bit, which made me feel good. You know, knowing that I was killing any possible little critters that had decided to make a nest in my big ol' bushy hair and suck my blood out later. 

Kacy's big question of the day was this: "Why ticks?"

Because she knows that most insects serve a purpose. Even the pesky ants that she hates, she understands the role they play in nature. But she cannot wrap her head around ticks.

Neither can I. Even with my tingly head.