What Was I Thinking?

I am taking a break from studying again. I am no longer anywhere near having a nervous breakdown anymore. Yipee!!! 

Those emotions are under control.

Probably because I've hit the point where it has been confirmed to me that there is NO WAY I can possibly pass the bar the first time. I didn't give myself enough time. 7 weeks is just not enough time to review four years of material. As much as I dread the thought of studying again, I'm kind of thinking taking it again in February will be a good thing, as I can study while the kids are in school, and take my time to master it all.

I am stuck in "Can't see the forest for the trees" mode right now, focusing on all these danged trees that I am supposed to remember in order to master the forest for three days. Rationally, I know that this test is not indicative of what kind of attorney I will be. None. Really bad attorneys have passed it, great ones have had to repeat it once or twice...I get that. Rationally. 

But emotionally, I might as well set my legal forest on fire because this whole process is killing me. Not really, but holy cow...I really hate studying under these conditions. First, there is the studying. I don't do homework well. Ha ha. Second, there is the fact that I am basically ignoring my kids for hours at a time, and I hate that. Third, the "What if I truly can't get my brain to remember all this stuff?" What then? What do I do then? I am putting the cart before the horse here, but I am the person who has one, five, and ten year plans all the time. I'll need to adjust my plans and try not to think about the waste of time and money the last four years has been. That will be depressing, a bit. I'll have to work extra hard on finding the good in that.

But I shouldn't lose hope. Or faith. I am really relying on blessings here. I hope my own doubts don't dilute my faith.

I still don't know what I was thinking. At least I'm not an anxiety ridden fool anymore. Now I'm just a fool. ;)

EDIT: It has been a whole three hours since I wrote the above. I have a new plan, a Plan B and Plan C, if you will. And that, my friends, is a wonderful thing. I can officially relax. I'm going to keep going, but I am going to relax. Nothing like a drive through the countryside to clear the ol' noggin a bit. Panic averted!

1) I have everything I need, and most of what I want.
2) It is okay to put "BIG DREAMS" on hold for sixth months. When I'm 70, it won't make a wit of difference.
3) I will likely write another book. Not sure if it'll be the same market...I have two ideas and each is very different.
4) I will clean my house. Hoo-rah!
5) I will study again...no biggie. Lots of time. It'll be more fun and less stressful.
6) I will send a copy of Trailer Life to Ellen and maybe she will read it and love it. Hahaha! (This one cracks me up. That would be so surreal...and so unlikely. But hey...dreaming over here. Never know until you try. I'm all about that.)