Let's start with the last of the subjects in my title. Crying in the morning.
So I did, this morning. A good, ugly cry. It came out of nowhere, sort of. Okay, not really. But to admit its source is to admit to something of a pity party for myself. I suppose it comes down to being worn out and just TIRED of feeling invisible to my children. I am invisible until they need something, and then it's my fault they don't have a) clean underwear, b)a good enough snack, or c) the right style of shorts for basketball practice.
It's kind of like a slap in the face to hear one of your kids mimic your voice as he expresses his frustration to his brother that he can't find the pair of shorts he wants. I suppose I just came mentally unhinged because I promise to you this was like the last straw.
On Sunday morning, three of my children showered, and not ONE of them used soap the first time. I remind my children two times a day to brush their teeth, and IF they do it, there is a 75% chance that they don't use toothpaste. (I should clarify. I remind them morning and night. And then I have to ask if they did it. And then I have to tell them to do it again. Twice a day.) I tell them to put their dirty clothes in the DIRTY CLOTHES BASKET and yet...they are on the floor. This is all so gross, I can't even handle it.
So, this morning I cried in frustration that one of my own kids could be so rude, and then I mourned the loss of my freedom because I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to start brushing their teeth myself. I'm gonna have to put a chair in the bathroom while they shower and sit there and make sure the dirty underwear goes where it needs to, and that towels are hung up. I really thought we were all too old for this, but I guess not.
Perhaps I am just a lazy mom? Like, my expectations are too high, and I need to stop what I'm doing (being lazy) and physically help them do stuff.
Sometimes being the person who gets to cook everything and clean everything (because chores aren't always done) is just draining. Hello? We all live here.
Going on a vacation by myself sounds like a nice idea, except that honestly, that just makes it harder to come home to the mess. Lol.
Enough of that. That is whining, and it feels good to get it off my chest and out of my head. I can move on now. (Except that my kids are going to flip out when I am brushing their teeth tonight. I can't wait. Mommy boot camp, here we come.)
So, I failed at something. I knew deep down that I would, and the worst part is everyone else's expectations. I can fail myself because I'm used to that, but failing others is the pits! I did not pass the Bar the first time. It's a set back for us financially, but other than that, it's no biggie. I'm kind of excited to take it again, now that I've made a plan. And, maybe I'm excited because while I failed, I didn't do THAT bad all things considered. I was so overwhelmed this summer with the short amount of time I gave myself. That was fatal mistake numbers 1,2, and 4. I seriously thought that 7 weeks would be plenty. Trouble was, I wasn't remembering anything from three and four years prior. I was overwhelmed and trying to cram in the law. I did no writing practice. None. Zero. Mistake number 3 was this: bar writing is different than legal writing is different than all other writing. So, I have a plan, feel good about it, and am not at all worried about it this go around. (I found a website, in case you came across this post as a California Bar Exam failure (non-passer?): Make This Your Last Time This guy nailed how I studied the first time and why I failed. Sound advice and a little swearing, FYI.) I am worried enough that I need to be done with the test and not take the dang thing AGAIN. But not at all scared or nervous. Last time I was on defense. This time, I am on offense, and I'm going to kick the Bar's behind so I can finally feel "finished" and like I'm not in this really weird state where I graduated but am nothing more than I was before I started. I am happy to realize that while last June I was drowning in a sea of "I can't do this! I don't remember all this!" I am now happily remembering all of it, and being able to use the information to my advantage.
It probably helps the kids are in school and it's quiet at my house, too! I don't have guilt about ignoring them.
It also helps that my heart is into this time. Last time, I wasn't sure I could do it, and wasn't sure I wanted to be a lawyer. I know now that I do, for sure. It took me about a day after failing to decide if I really wanted to do it; if it was the right path for me. Answer: it is. I feel like I can help so many people by easing their stress during their divorce. It boggles my mind how inept most attorneys seem to be in this area. Dragging feet to file paperwork? FORGET to file paperwork? Not return phone calls or give updates? I can't even.
I have planner woes. The perfect planner just does not exist for me. I found one that was REALLY close for 2015 and it has served me well, It's the MORMON MOM PLANNER. I totally recommend it! She has non-Mormon planners that are exactly the same, minus the Family Home Evening and Sunday Lessons Schedule, etc. I finally tweaked it to my liking just this last month, but it still isn't perfect. I find that I don't use all the boxes and spaces, and that bugs me. (I have issues, lol.)
I think I found the solution though. I received a Midori Travelers Notebook for my birthday. I love the leather! I've fiddled with inserts and didn't love what I had going on until now. I'll post pictures soon...but I've found that "bullet journaling" is a better use of my brain and paper space for planning. I also watched the bullet journal video, and the part where the notebook is eating up the post it notes is so ME. I have post-its and note cards EVERYWHERE. I love how plain and simple it is. You can look at bullet journaling on Instagram and Pinterest and see lots and lots of creative people being artistic with their planners, but I'm not that way. All I do is get jealous! But then I quickly remind myself that I have "other talents" and that is where I must focus my energies and not my envies.
By the way, I'm a big fan of finding your talents. Just do it. Try, fail, succeed, find out your can but don't enjoy something, fail again, become a master at something. We all have different skills and potential.
Just don't expect my planner to be artistic and beautiful, because it won't be. It'll be all linear with messy handwriting.
The rest of my day is going to be a good day. It will be, because I will make it so. I'm off: off to go write some bar essays, off to go fold towels, and off to go get myself organized so I can go and do all those things I need to do and want to do.